Dear Baby Amelia,
You will find out (in just a few months!) how much we love Sundays in this family.
The Sundays that your father spends at home are not as often as either of us would like, so the ones we have are full of cuddling, naps, and relaxing. It is time for our thoughts to wander, to reflect, to dream.
This is something you have taught me in the short time you’ve existed. I never realized how anxious and stressed I was as a person – in fact, I thought that, in general, I was pretty relaxed. Actually, it seems that I store stress up until it explodes in irrational, can’t-catch-my-breath, rivers of tears kinds of ways. Your father and I learned this as we prepared to get married and then learned how to live together. He always knows how to settle my mind, how to bring me back to a peaceful place, but the moments before can be scary as my anxiety gets out of control.
When we found out about you, my anxiety flared up again. Not because we didn’t want you – nothing could have been further from the truth. Maybe because we wanted you so much, and I wanted for everything to be perfect when you arrived. Juggling work, grad school, newlywed life, and unrealistic expectations were too much though. I felt myself, my stress, starting to spin out of control.
But I can’t let that happen. If it were just me and your father, I don’t know that I would ever have learned to (try and) deal with it. But baby girl, my job as your mother is to keep you safe and make sure you’re loved…and that thought is always on my mind. And so I learned to deal with things. You have been a reminder to me to let things go, to keep good people close, to breathe and laugh and unplug.
You are teaching me to appreciate the smallest moments. Again, I thought that this is something that I did already, but now I can spend hours watching my belly as I wait for you to kick and poke. My breathing deepens and I still as I try to keep track of every movement. It’s a meditation, a prayer, a joy: the minutes of my stillness and your movement is indescribable.
Pregnancy is not new, and this process is experienced by so many, but I swear that it is the most miraculous thing to have ever happened to me and I could shout each moment from the rooftops, if I were allowed to climb up on rooftops.
I have a universe inside of me: you and your future, all the lives you will touch and the adventures you will have, they all begin here. I am in awe with that my mother experienced this, and her mother before her. The words I have are inadequate to fully explain how precious this time is to me, but I hope that it gives you an idea, dear girl.
So today, as your father and puppy nap on the couch with me, as I wait for you to start kicking as you do in the afternoons, I am thankful for all that you’ve taught me and all that you will teach me. I can’t wait for when you sit and lay on the couch with us, savoring the moments together.
Love you always.